A lot going on right now. Still trying to recover from my cold. Entering week 3 of my 6th cycle of chemo, so starting to feel a bit more normal--BUT far more pregnant. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant. The baby will be here in 1 week. Wow. Last week I went to Babies-R-Us for the first time during this pregnancy. This baby boy is coming in one week and I went for the first time. I was going to buy breast milk storage bags. Two very very sweet friends of mine who are currently breast feeding will kindly be pumping milk for me to give me to my son. This is something that is beyond my ability to thank and to repay. More on that in the post on Breastfeeding, that is not the point of my story--upon walking into Babies-R-Us I almost immediately started crying. When I was pregnant with Biny i spent an insane amount of time there. No, not necessarily shopping, but researching and checking things out. I would research on-line and also go to check stuff out. I was just so excited. I know when you have your second, third, etc--you do less of that. It's done. You have chosen if you want a bassinet and have it. You have decided what type of carrier, stroller, etc etc. But, you do at least think about the fact that this child is coming. Walking into that store just reminded me how little I have thought about the fact that a new child, a new being, a new person is joining our family and changing it forever. I'll go from kid to kids and all that that entails. I haven't thought about this since November. When we found out I was pregnant, my first thought was excitement over the fact that I got to breast feed again. Then the next few months of nausea (first trimester stuff) i wasn't too excited, b/c you don't feel pregnant then you just feel like you have the flu for months. Then, JUST as I cross into the 2nd trimester, the time when you feel the best, we find cancer.
I LOVED being pregnant with my son. I know, some women hate me for saying that, my sisters included. They both have serious "morning" sickness (translation: all day and way past the 1st trimester). But i didn't. I felt awesome. In fact my last month I felt the best. It was great. I loved every moment of it. And, that thought is what made going through my 1st trimester doable (this time much worse then the 1st time with my son). I remembered how awesome it was to be pregnant. Then --- Cancer. I feel like I have been robbed of something I may never get to experience again. I'm angry. I feel like this little boy is getting the shaft in one more way--the fact that I've hardly given a thought to his coming in months. I've worried about his growth and impact he'll have from all this, but ironically I haven't thought about the fact I am bringing home a newborn. A person that long after this cancer is gone we'll be raising. Cancer is a blip in my life--but he will change my life forever, and I've given him so little thought these past few months. I feel bad--and going into Babies-R-Us brought it all home. I wandered through the store crying. I know i looked nuts. I'm in my scarf and face mask crying walking around. I got more than a few stares. :) I felt just pregnant for the first time. I was ONLY thinking about him and his needs for the first time. I got excited about little toes and fingers and how they grab so hard onto your finger at first--i love that. I feel horrible that he is coming in less then 2 weeks and this was the FIRST time I've felt this way.
There are a lot of things that are unexpected in this journey of cancer--some because I am pregnant, others I think would be the same even if I wasn't pregnant. Below is a list of things I didn't really see coming--some just an inconvenience really, others adding significantly to my stress level.
1. Losing control of my home. I have been blessed to have friends and family helping me take care of my home--cleaning, laundry, etc. However, because of this--i have "lost control" of how my home is put together. I am not a control freak (I think), but it is frustrating to not know where someone put away something. This can be in the kitchen, laundry, or regular household items that I truly now have no idea where they are. I have lost items. I am sure they are somewhere, but I don't have the energy to find them. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful--truly grateful for the help--but having help long term over months and months (with more months coming), it is frustrating to not have control of my home.
2. Running errands. I have never been a big fan of running errands, especially with a child in tow. But, it is extremely difficult to have someone else run your errands. It's partly my fault. People ask to go to the grocery store for me. I truly appreciate this as that task is EXHAUSTING, but it is very hard to send people for stuff when you don't really remember the name. For whatever reason I don't remember the exact brand/name of things. I just know where they are and what they look like. I know my system in the grocery store. And, trying to make a list for someone i realize quickly, I am pickier then I think. I have had to again relinquish control, and just be happy with what they pick up. Again, this isn't a major issue--but just one more thing I didn't see coming.
3. Loneliness. I now work from home and don't go out except for doctors appointments and a few visits to the office on my good days. I do have a lot of doctors appointments, at least 4 a week, sometimes 6 or 7; but for the most part I am home. I sit on my couch and do my work when I am feeling well enough. So--it's lonely. I can't go out partly b/c I have work to do and partly b/c my immune system is weak and I need to minimize exposure to the crazy amount of viruses and bacteria running around right now. So--i stay home, alone. Before I went to an office and saw people. I would go out on Saturdays to the park or a friends home. But now, I stay home. It is very lonely.
4. You can't feel cancer. This is especially true in my case as I have no tumor/mass to feel. But, when you have cancer and when you are on chemo, you just feel like crap. I feel weak and tired all the time. Some days it is truly a chore to go from the bed to the couch. Even on my good days, simply going to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription will wear me out enough to need a nap. I don't feel "sick" like when you have the flu or food poisoning. No clear signs--no symptoms that scream, "I have cancer." Because of this, it makes me feel useless and lazy. IF someone has come to help me, I am laying on the couch, looking normal enough (minus hair), feeling okay (as long as I don't move), so I feel like I should be helping. I feel like I should be doing more. Its strange.
5. Going along with number 4 is the problem of asking for help. I knew I didn't like asking for help (who does?), but I didn't realize how much of an impact that would have on me. I desperately need help. Help with my house, with errands, with my son, with paperwork, with it all, but asking for help and then accepting said help is very very hard. I truly truly need immense amounts of help, and will need more in the coming months not less--but asking for it and letting people help me is so difficult for me. I don't want to put people out. Everyone has problems, everyone has a busy life, everyone has their own responsibilities, etc so asking people to take time out of their day is very very hard for me.
6. Chemo is "normal." What I REALLY didn't see coming was how quickly my chemo regimen became normal. It just became the routine. Its hard to explain, but it was almost no big deal. The first one was overwhelming and terrifying--but after that, knowing what was happening, and knowing it wouldn't change much (my reaction to the medicine), it just became part of my schedule. I thought about my life in 3 week increments, as I had chemo every 3 weeks. I have had 6 chemo's since November (4 more to go after the baby comes), and it dawned on me that in January, February, March--I was on autopilot, like it was a normal thing to do.
7. Paperwork. I knew there would be paper work involved in all this--and I knew I would hate it. I hate paperwork period. It is my least favorite part of being an adult--the quantity of paperwork you must do and organize. But, the quantity of forms and documents I must keep track of and do actually surpassed my imagination. There is a mountain of things to organize and keep track of. Mount Everest sized mountain. Bleh.
8. Employer and Insurance. I knew, as does every American, that dealing with the insurance would SUCK. It always does. I am sure that is not going to go away. What I didn't see coming was the hassle of dealing with my employer. I work for a small company and I am the first person in their employment that has ever had such an issue. Despite efforts on my part to work out a plan on how this was all going to go down, mistakes were made on their part over the last few months that have now left me in a serious situation. Details are not necessary--but truly they are one of my biggest stresses. Their communication style makes me feel as though they see me as an inconvenience. As if I chose to have cancer and be pregnant. It is truly one of the biggest issues I face right now.
Sorry this was a bit long--but I wanted to share my surprises and perhaps someone will see this and be more prepared then I.
I LOVED being pregnant with my son. I know, some women hate me for saying that, my sisters included. They both have serious "morning" sickness (translation: all day and way past the 1st trimester). But i didn't. I felt awesome. In fact my last month I felt the best. It was great. I loved every moment of it. And, that thought is what made going through my 1st trimester doable (this time much worse then the 1st time with my son). I remembered how awesome it was to be pregnant. Then --- Cancer. I feel like I have been robbed of something I may never get to experience again. I'm angry. I feel like this little boy is getting the shaft in one more way--the fact that I've hardly given a thought to his coming in months. I've worried about his growth and impact he'll have from all this, but ironically I haven't thought about the fact I am bringing home a newborn. A person that long after this cancer is gone we'll be raising. Cancer is a blip in my life--but he will change my life forever, and I've given him so little thought these past few months. I feel bad--and going into Babies-R-Us brought it all home. I wandered through the store crying. I know i looked nuts. I'm in my scarf and face mask crying walking around. I got more than a few stares. :) I felt just pregnant for the first time. I was ONLY thinking about him and his needs for the first time. I got excited about little toes and fingers and how they grab so hard onto your finger at first--i love that. I feel horrible that he is coming in less then 2 weeks and this was the FIRST time I've felt this way.
There are a lot of things that are unexpected in this journey of cancer--some because I am pregnant, others I think would be the same even if I wasn't pregnant. Below is a list of things I didn't really see coming--some just an inconvenience really, others adding significantly to my stress level.
1. Losing control of my home. I have been blessed to have friends and family helping me take care of my home--cleaning, laundry, etc. However, because of this--i have "lost control" of how my home is put together. I am not a control freak (I think), but it is frustrating to not know where someone put away something. This can be in the kitchen, laundry, or regular household items that I truly now have no idea where they are. I have lost items. I am sure they are somewhere, but I don't have the energy to find them. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful--truly grateful for the help--but having help long term over months and months (with more months coming), it is frustrating to not have control of my home.
2. Running errands. I have never been a big fan of running errands, especially with a child in tow. But, it is extremely difficult to have someone else run your errands. It's partly my fault. People ask to go to the grocery store for me. I truly appreciate this as that task is EXHAUSTING, but it is very hard to send people for stuff when you don't really remember the name. For whatever reason I don't remember the exact brand/name of things. I just know where they are and what they look like. I know my system in the grocery store. And, trying to make a list for someone i realize quickly, I am pickier then I think. I have had to again relinquish control, and just be happy with what they pick up. Again, this isn't a major issue--but just one more thing I didn't see coming.
3. Loneliness. I now work from home and don't go out except for doctors appointments and a few visits to the office on my good days. I do have a lot of doctors appointments, at least 4 a week, sometimes 6 or 7; but for the most part I am home. I sit on my couch and do my work when I am feeling well enough. So--it's lonely. I can't go out partly b/c I have work to do and partly b/c my immune system is weak and I need to minimize exposure to the crazy amount of viruses and bacteria running around right now. So--i stay home, alone. Before I went to an office and saw people. I would go out on Saturdays to the park or a friends home. But now, I stay home. It is very lonely.
4. You can't feel cancer. This is especially true in my case as I have no tumor/mass to feel. But, when you have cancer and when you are on chemo, you just feel like crap. I feel weak and tired all the time. Some days it is truly a chore to go from the bed to the couch. Even on my good days, simply going to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription will wear me out enough to need a nap. I don't feel "sick" like when you have the flu or food poisoning. No clear signs--no symptoms that scream, "I have cancer." Because of this, it makes me feel useless and lazy. IF someone has come to help me, I am laying on the couch, looking normal enough (minus hair), feeling okay (as long as I don't move), so I feel like I should be helping. I feel like I should be doing more. Its strange.
5. Going along with number 4 is the problem of asking for help. I knew I didn't like asking for help (who does?), but I didn't realize how much of an impact that would have on me. I desperately need help. Help with my house, with errands, with my son, with paperwork, with it all, but asking for help and then accepting said help is very very hard. I truly truly need immense amounts of help, and will need more in the coming months not less--but asking for it and letting people help me is so difficult for me. I don't want to put people out. Everyone has problems, everyone has a busy life, everyone has their own responsibilities, etc so asking people to take time out of their day is very very hard for me.
6. Chemo is "normal." What I REALLY didn't see coming was how quickly my chemo regimen became normal. It just became the routine. Its hard to explain, but it was almost no big deal. The first one was overwhelming and terrifying--but after that, knowing what was happening, and knowing it wouldn't change much (my reaction to the medicine), it just became part of my schedule. I thought about my life in 3 week increments, as I had chemo every 3 weeks. I have had 6 chemo's since November (4 more to go after the baby comes), and it dawned on me that in January, February, March--I was on autopilot, like it was a normal thing to do.
7. Paperwork. I knew there would be paper work involved in all this--and I knew I would hate it. I hate paperwork period. It is my least favorite part of being an adult--the quantity of paperwork you must do and organize. But, the quantity of forms and documents I must keep track of and do actually surpassed my imagination. There is a mountain of things to organize and keep track of. Mount Everest sized mountain. Bleh.
8. Employer and Insurance. I knew, as does every American, that dealing with the insurance would SUCK. It always does. I am sure that is not going to go away. What I didn't see coming was the hassle of dealing with my employer. I work for a small company and I am the first person in their employment that has ever had such an issue. Despite efforts on my part to work out a plan on how this was all going to go down, mistakes were made on their part over the last few months that have now left me in a serious situation. Details are not necessary--but truly they are one of my biggest stresses. Their communication style makes me feel as though they see me as an inconvenience. As if I chose to have cancer and be pregnant. It is truly one of the biggest issues I face right now.
Sorry this was a bit long--but I wanted to share my surprises and perhaps someone will see this and be more prepared then I.
Catching up since you posted a link to your blog. The comments about feeling bad about not prepping as much for baby #2 hit home for me. Don't beat yourself up about it too much. I didn't have any big excuses for not prepping as much but already having one little guy to worry about -- plus work and child care and everything else -- I was not nearly as ready for #2 in some ways. I was excited but also just getting through each day as best as I could and I think it's normal not to be able to spend as much time picking out baby gear and such before the second arrives. I actually think Pierce arrived a week late because I wasn't ready on his due date. I finally asked for a blessing and it was the day after that contractions began and he came that very evening. :)
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