After the initial shock and crazy roller coaster of emotions of being diagnosed and then starting chemo, I have come to view this journey as a series of hurdles. Each one brings new challenges and fears. And, as my previous post discussed, I imagine between each hurdle life will come to a point of feeling normal then the next hurdle will toss things up for a bit. Below are the hurdles as I see them:
1. Testing. Perhaps the first one should be hearing the diagnosis, but I was sent into testing right away so I see them as the same. My particular cancer is very aggressive. Often people have weeks or even months before they start treatment, me not so much. I had 11 days from diagnosis to first chemo. I talked to the oncologist on a Friday, then had tests/procedures every day the next week from Monday-Saturday (yes on Saturday), and started chemo the next Monday. It was a whirlwind time of emotions. I would break down crying at the most random times--just shocked that this was happening. How is this happening to me?!?! But you just keep going
2. First Chemo/Chemo in Pregnancy. That first chemo was terrifying. It was because it was 100% unknowns and NO ONE could tell me what was going to happen. They could tell me what drugs are going to be pumped into me, how long it would take, and that I for sure would lose my hair--BUT no one could tell me what other symptoms I would get. As I wrote in my post, it was like waiting for a bomb to go off. After that, chemo became my normal routine. The nurses and doctors I saw weekly my new family.
3. Baby. This is a bit of a unique hurdle in a cancer journey, and is not of course DUE to the cancer, but a hurdle nonetheless. Not that I consider my son a burden, but the fact that I will be either going through an induction or c-section in this weakened state is going to be new. My energy level is so low, I can't fathom surviving labor and I am severely anemic and my immune system is weakened so a c-section doesn't sound good either (not to mention the implications for my health and my baby's health long-term). Then, a baby I can't breast feed will be coming home. 2 weeks after he arrives, I start chemo again--with a new born. That is why the baby is a "hurdle" in my process.
4. New Chemo. Two weeks after I give birth I will begin my last 4 chemo sessions. They will be different. Not only will it be a new drug (with new side effects), but I won't be pregnant! I am told quite often how good I look. People are shocked I look so good. I don't know what that means--either I do look good or they are expecting me to look like walking death and I don't. I am severely anemic. This normally would make me appear very very pale; however, when you are pregnant you have 50% extra blood volume. I am sure this is why I have color in my cheeks. So, what will I look like as the blood volume decreases to normal? On top of that, over the last decade or so we have learned more and more about the positive effect being pregnant has on a woman's body. One of the reasons is the baby's stem cells spin off into the mom's blood. This has been found to have positive benefits on the woman's health. Plus, my body is in a sort of "heal mode," as having a baby causes so many changes your body is ready to face them. After I give birth, I will lose all those benefits--but still be going through chemo. I am very very curious how it will turn out.
5. After chemo I will have a mastectomy. Clearly, this is a hurdle. I as of yet do not know if it will be single or double, nor the type. I also do not know what kind of reconstruction I'll have. I have no idea how it all works. It is a black hole for me right now--but I will learn when I face this step. I don't know how I'll react. From the beginning I have had no problem telling them I am 100% okay with them taking my breast. I am. It is trying to kill me, get it out of here. But--saying it and then having it done are two different things.
6. Radiation. The last step in this journey will be 6 to 8 weeks of radiation. I have talked to others who have gone through this. It has far fewer symptoms/side effects then chemo, but still makes you tired and causes tightness and soreness at the site. What shocked me was the fact that I have to go EVERY DAY for a 5 minute appointment. That's all it takes. 5 minutes. You have to undress, lay on this machine, they essentially seal you in a lead lined room, you get like 30 seconds (not sure on that) of radiation, then you are done. You get dressed and go home. That is obnoxious. All that hassle for such a short time. Clearly its important and I'll do it, but for some reason I had assumed it was once a week.
It will be a crazy year and I look forward to looking back on it in the coming years. I have learned a lot about myself already, and know more is to come.
1. Testing. Perhaps the first one should be hearing the diagnosis, but I was sent into testing right away so I see them as the same. My particular cancer is very aggressive. Often people have weeks or even months before they start treatment, me not so much. I had 11 days from diagnosis to first chemo. I talked to the oncologist on a Friday, then had tests/procedures every day the next week from Monday-Saturday (yes on Saturday), and started chemo the next Monday. It was a whirlwind time of emotions. I would break down crying at the most random times--just shocked that this was happening. How is this happening to me?!?! But you just keep going
2. First Chemo/Chemo in Pregnancy. That first chemo was terrifying. It was because it was 100% unknowns and NO ONE could tell me what was going to happen. They could tell me what drugs are going to be pumped into me, how long it would take, and that I for sure would lose my hair--BUT no one could tell me what other symptoms I would get. As I wrote in my post, it was like waiting for a bomb to go off. After that, chemo became my normal routine. The nurses and doctors I saw weekly my new family.
3. Baby. This is a bit of a unique hurdle in a cancer journey, and is not of course DUE to the cancer, but a hurdle nonetheless. Not that I consider my son a burden, but the fact that I will be either going through an induction or c-section in this weakened state is going to be new. My energy level is so low, I can't fathom surviving labor and I am severely anemic and my immune system is weakened so a c-section doesn't sound good either (not to mention the implications for my health and my baby's health long-term). Then, a baby I can't breast feed will be coming home. 2 weeks after he arrives, I start chemo again--with a new born. That is why the baby is a "hurdle" in my process.
4. New Chemo. Two weeks after I give birth I will begin my last 4 chemo sessions. They will be different. Not only will it be a new drug (with new side effects), but I won't be pregnant! I am told quite often how good I look. People are shocked I look so good. I don't know what that means--either I do look good or they are expecting me to look like walking death and I don't. I am severely anemic. This normally would make me appear very very pale; however, when you are pregnant you have 50% extra blood volume. I am sure this is why I have color in my cheeks. So, what will I look like as the blood volume decreases to normal? On top of that, over the last decade or so we have learned more and more about the positive effect being pregnant has on a woman's body. One of the reasons is the baby's stem cells spin off into the mom's blood. This has been found to have positive benefits on the woman's health. Plus, my body is in a sort of "heal mode," as having a baby causes so many changes your body is ready to face them. After I give birth, I will lose all those benefits--but still be going through chemo. I am very very curious how it will turn out.
5. After chemo I will have a mastectomy. Clearly, this is a hurdle. I as of yet do not know if it will be single or double, nor the type. I also do not know what kind of reconstruction I'll have. I have no idea how it all works. It is a black hole for me right now--but I will learn when I face this step. I don't know how I'll react. From the beginning I have had no problem telling them I am 100% okay with them taking my breast. I am. It is trying to kill me, get it out of here. But--saying it and then having it done are two different things.
6. Radiation. The last step in this journey will be 6 to 8 weeks of radiation. I have talked to others who have gone through this. It has far fewer symptoms/side effects then chemo, but still makes you tired and causes tightness and soreness at the site. What shocked me was the fact that I have to go EVERY DAY for a 5 minute appointment. That's all it takes. 5 minutes. You have to undress, lay on this machine, they essentially seal you in a lead lined room, you get like 30 seconds (not sure on that) of radiation, then you are done. You get dressed and go home. That is obnoxious. All that hassle for such a short time. Clearly its important and I'll do it, but for some reason I had assumed it was once a week.
It will be a crazy year and I look forward to looking back on it in the coming years. I have learned a lot about myself already, and know more is to come.
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