After I had put my son to bed, letting him sleep in my bed—I
would need his cuddles that night, I started the phone calls. As fate would have it, I had a horrible cold
and had lost my voice. The crying wasn’t helping. I tried to call my mom and dad—my mom answered and she couldn’t hear
me. I boiled a pot of Calming Tea,
hoping it would help my voice as well as my nerves. I keep trying to process what I have heard
and feel almost nothing—as it can’t be real.
I am sure tomorrow when we talk with the doctor, we will learn it’s
something not serious—it is somehow some form of cancer that isn’t serious and doesn’t
need all the “usual” treatments.
While I drink my tea I Google for advice on how to tell
people you have cancer—I find only resources on how to tell children. As my son is 2, not really helpful. I finish my tea and call my mom—one of the
worst phone calls I’ve ever had to make.
For some reason, in that moment, I am missing my Gram (my mom’s mom)
immensely. I wish she was here to advise me and help me. The call with my mom and dad goes as well as can be
expected. I promise to email the family an update after my doctor’s appointment
the next day, Wednesday. I email my boss
who is in Rome, and feel bad she has to hear over the internet.
Wednesday morning I had to go to work—I was supposed to be
preparing for a trip to South Sudan in 2 weeks’ time, I would need to tell my
work right away. I had no information outside of the fact that my biopsy was
positive—I have breast cancer. I talk to my supervisor, and tell her before
our team meeting. I have no voice, so I
have to type it up on a paper and hand it to people. It makes it feel even more
fake—more unreal. Silly even. I have someone tell the team for me in the
meeting. It still feels like it is some joke, or not serious, or not happening
period. I leave that meeting early to go
see the breast surgery specialist who had diagnosed me.
I learn from the wonderful and caring specialist, Dr. Martin—I
have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. She says
it’s common, just not at my age (36). She
tells me up front, you can have chemo starting your second trimester of
pregnancy (which at 17 weeks I am well into). I am floored at this, because I
thought my diagnosis meant choosing—treatment or baby? I am absolutely in gratitude beyond belief
for the researchers that have brought us this far in cancer treatment. I learn
it is Inflammatory Breast Cancer, which is why I have no lump, no tumor—just
redness. I learn my cancer is a “triple
negative,” a bad thing. I learn that if
it wasn’t “negative” the drugs used to treat it are contra-indicated in
pregnancy, so better for me not to have to make that choice. I learn about the Ki-67
scale that determines aggressiveness of cancer. Zero percent is non/least
aggressive, 100% is the most aggressive. I am a 90%. I learn that, though aggressive is bad, it
does mean chemotherapy is more effective.
Each bit of news weighs heavy with fear of the unknown—so many
new vocabulary words. So many questions I struggle forming them. When will I start Chemo? Radiation? Those are
to be answered by the oncologist on Friday.
I learn I will have at minimum a single mastectomy, possibly
double. Genetic testing will inform that
decision—do I carry the BRCA1 and 2 genes?
They call it the Angelina Jolie gene, thinking I haven’t heard of it
except in reference to her—that makes me laugh. She informs me trying to save the breast would
be a bad decision. I tell her I don’t care, cut it off—I hate it right
now. I’m told I’ll lose my hair. It doesn’t even phase me—ironic as for so
many years I was meticulous about growing my hair long and keeping it healthy. I decide to chop it off and donate it before
it falls out. It will be easier to clean up short hair.
We leave with pamphlets, appointments, and tears in our
eyes. My wonderful husband holds me and assures me we will get through this and
it will be fine. I believe him, but I’m worried about all the steps in the middle. I’m worried how much of a toll this is going to
take on him and our son. Our son who won’t
understand, “Mama is too sick to play.” What about our little baby? Striving to grow and be healthy? Our miracle baby, who brought about this diagnosis. How will he/she be impacted? Will I be able to keep up a healthy diet to assure a happy life for them?
Thursday I sleep most of the day trying to get rid of my
cold and have a voice by the time I meet with the oncologist on Friday. I was supposed to be at a Home
Fortification-Technical Advisory Group meeting, and had been excited to go. All
day I try to let this sink in—but it doesn't go. I email more people—those who
knew I was getting the biopsy. All those
people, who along with me and my doctors thought it was just an infection, a
cyst, or some other random thing—anything but cancer. I reach out to a dear friend who has Leukemia
and is getting a bone marrow transplant right now. She has 4 little ones at
home. Her journey is far more difficult than mine—but I am hoping for some
advice on how to handle little ones you can’t explain things to. I reach out to another friend, the wife of a
colleague, former professor, and friend. She is just finishing up treatment for
breast cancer. Both respond with amazing
support, love, and advice.
Friday we meet with our Oncologist Dr. Denduluri. Another amazing person, she came in on her
day off to see me. She, just like Dr. Martin, takes the time to go through each
thing, write notes FOR US, and answer each and every question we have. We learn I will be getting 6 doses of
chemotherapy starting next Monday (November 25th), and happening
every 3 weeks until I have reached 36 weeks in my pregnancy. Then, depending on
my health, I will either be induced or have a C-section and they will take the
baby early. Following that, I will have 4 more doses of Chemo, again every 3
weeks; then a mastectomy and 6-8 weeks of radiation. Then—hopefully this
will be the end of my cancer experience.
It is overwhelming to hear it needs to happen so fast.
No time to process, no time to plan, no time to do anything. I am set up with a barrage of appointments—echo-cardiogram,
abdominal ultrasound, chest Xray, MRI of the spine, and placement of a
port. The port is a little catheter that
will sit UNDER my skin for the next year providing direct access to my veins to
give treatment and draw blood. It will save my arms from being poked 8,000
times—but for some reason it creeps me out.
I’ll probably laugh about that later.
I attend a chemo class put on by the Virginia Cancer
Specialists (the practice where my oncologists is based). It is a very enlightening 2 hours. I had no
idea how many myths I believed about chemo, mainly gleaned from movies—clearly a
good source. I probably won’t vomit, but
will be exhausted. As I am pregnant, it will be harder on me then it would have
normally been. Everyone is different—some people are sick for 3 days, and then
can handle a fairly regular schedule (they are just tired); others are down for
2 weeks. The only way to know is to wait and see. There is a PLETHORA of resources available
for assistance. I am stunned at how many.
As I write this, it is the end of Thursday. Tomorrow I
get the port placed. I was hoping to
come back to work, but am told I can’t.
I've gotten some very good advice, including don’t Google anything and
keep working. I learned after I Googled
the core biopsy; I never wanted to do that again. And though the thought of working while on
Chemo seems foreign and exhausting, the fact that at least a dozen people with
personal experience have told me to, I assume it’s good advice.
To be continued . . .
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